


The Jaxa Cycle

by ExpressAndAdmirable



Series: The Heroes of Light [20]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Final Fantasy I
Genre: Backstory, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Parent-Child Relationship, The Jaxa Cycle, Tiefling, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 05:23:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13160160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExpressAndAdmirable/pseuds/ExpressAndAdmirable
Summary: Lux gets into an incredibly bad relationship, the effects of which she continues to feel even in the present. Contains: emotional abuse.Chapter 1: The Perfect DrugChapter 2: Even DeeperChapter 3: Somewhat DamagedChapter 4: Hurt





	1. The Perfect Drug

Lux was being watched.

Of course she was. She was atop a table in the corner of the tavern, stomping a boot against the thick wood as her bow flew across the strings. The patrons were whooping and hollering at her song; some were trying to dance, though it more closely resembled drunken stumbling than anything in rhythm. Even the barkeep was clapping along. Everyone had their eyes on her.

But she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being _watched_.

The crowded tavern roared as she finished her piece. With a slight smirk followed by a dramatic bow, she hopped to the ground. After stowing her violin safely in its case, she picked up the wide-mouthed wicker basket perched on the corner of the table; moving fluidly through the press, she offered the basket left and right, watching the bottom fill with coin. It was one of those nights where the patrons were either too merry or too drunk to care about her devilish appearance. They clapped her on the back as she passed and jovially offered her their half-drunk ales. By the time she made it to the bar, she was exhausted. Too much attention. Perhaps she would call it an early night.

“Leaving so soon?”

Lux felt the hairs at the back of her neck stand on end. She turned toward the voice, witty retort at the ready, but the words died on her tongue.

The Tiefling leaning against the bar before her was one of the most beautiful creatures she had ever seen, her body draped in folds of black fabric, gold bracelets clinking at her wrists. Her long dark hair fell in soft waves down her back, perfectly framing her features. Everything about her spoke of pointedly effortless allure. She looked up at Lux with a mischievous smile, her pale silver eyes gleaming in the dim light. “Is there any way I can convince you to stay?”

“I can think of a few.” Somehow, Lux had recovered at least some of her wits, and she did not bother to disguise her gaze as it travelled down and back up. She wanted this woman. There was little to be gained by standing on ceremony.

The woman laughed lightly, musically. “I love a bit of forwardness in my musicians! Let me buy you a drink, as thanks for that lovely performance. Let me guess…” She squinted at Lux. “Wine. Red. Am I close?”

“Right in one.” Lux was genuinely impressed.

“Knew it!” The woman looked smug. “You’ll love this one.” She flagged the barkeep and ordered a bottle of wine and two glasses, then looked back at Lux as it arrived. “You’re truly gifted. How long have you been playing?”

“Quite a while.” The wine was drier than Lux generally preferred, but she did indeed like it.

The woman pouted. “So guarded! I would have thought someone with such a commanding presence would be a little more gregarious. But then, I like a bit of mystery, too.”

Her statement gave Lux pause, and after a moment, she found herself answering the question. “Almost twenty years.”

“Talented _and_ dedicated! My word. I can’t stick with anything for too long, I get bored. I admire your discipline.” The way she moved her lips when she spoke was more than slightly distracting. “How did you discover music?”

“Someone thought I needed it.” It was barely an answer, but still more than she would have told most people.

The woman cocked her head and regarded Lux curiously. “You’re not much for letting others in, are you?”

Lux eyed her almost suspiciously, turning her body to rest both elbows on the bar, an unconsciously defensive posture. Why did she care? And why did Lux feel so compelled to please her? “Not generally, no.”

“Why not?”

It was Lux’s turn to cock her head; she thought the answer was obvious. “It tends not to go well for those like us.” She took another sip of wine.

The woman nodded in sympathetic understanding, letting the silence hang for a moment, then rested a hand gently on Lux’s arm. “Do you have a room here?”

“I can.” Lux quirked an eyebrow. So they _were_ still speaking the same language.

The woman’s smile turned coy. “Why don’t you, then?”

Lux caught the barkeep’s eye and pointed to the ceiling above her, displaying a gold coin from her basket in her other hand. He nodded and went to fetch a key, casting only the slightest nervous glance at the pair of Tieflings. This tavern wasn’t one of her usual haunts, it should be safe enough. She turned the key over in her hand when she received it, then looked at the woman beside her. “Why so many questions?”

“I like to know a bit about who I’m bringing into my bed,” she responded matter-of-factly, holding Lux’s gaze without flinching.

“Then why not start with your name?”

“Because that’s a prize you have to work for,” the woman said, her tone conspiratorial, her smile never wavering. “I’m Jaxa. Call me Jack.”

“Lux.”

“Uh-uh.” Jack shook her head. “I know a stage name when I hear one. What’s your _real_ name?”

Lux paused for a long moment, surprised and suddenly wary. Something inside her begged her not to say it.

“…Aviva.”

Jack grinned, and Lux was reminded of a cat who had caught a mouse but not yet killed it. “Aviva! Now _there’s_ a name with power. Shall we, Aviva?”

Lux nodded. Jack took the key from her hand and crooked a finger for her to follow, mounting the stairs with a subtle, inviting sway in her hips. Lux followed.

_I’m going to regret this._


	2. Even Deeper

If Lux didn’t know better, she might have thought she was in love.

Being with Jack was intoxicating, almost dreamlike. Lux had all but forgotten the feeling of finding joy in another. She wanted to see Jack’s smile, hear Jack’s laugh, feel Jack’s touch. More than anything else, she wanted to make Jack happy, though it turned out to be surprisingly difficult to do. Jack was incredibly particular about the things she liked, and when Lux hit the mark, Jack made her feel like nothing short of a queen. But she did not reward failed attempts. And so Lux was left to try, and try again, and sometimes succeed. And for the most part, those moments were enough.

But tonight, she was troubled. Her performance in the Garden District had been brilliant – Jack had gushed about it as soon as she left the stage – but the rest of the night had not gone entirely as planned. The more she thought about it, the more certain she was that she had not imagined the strangeness of the interaction. Something had definitely been off. Finally, as they readied themselves for bed in Jack’s tiny rented room, Lux screwed up the courage to ask.

“Jack?”

“Yes, kitten?” Jack continued to brush her hair.

“Why did you say those things to the Dwarves earlier tonight?”

Jack set her brush on the bed and shifted to face Lux as she sat in the room’s single chair, her oud pressed to her stomach. The melody she played was sedate, inviting; she found Jack reacted better when she could project an air of calm into the space. Jack cocked her head, as she always did when she was trying to read Lux’s features. “What do you mean?”

“It just…” Lux took a deep breath, fighting against the sudden anxious tightening of her muscles. “It seemed like you were purposely trying to scare them off.”

And it had. After her performance, as she sat at one of the tables under the cherry trees waiting for Jack to return with drinks, a Dwarven couple had approached her. They seemed intrigued by her race, which was far from ideal but certainly a step up from frightened. Better exotic than repulsive. They complimented her skill and inquired as to her training, but before they could explicitly bring up the subject of patronage, Jack appeared at her elbow, ales in hand. Instead of sitting, she set the drinks on the table and draped herself over Lux’s shoulders, watching the Dwarves with the air of a predatory bird. The longer Lux tried to converse with her would-be patrons, the less reassuring the posture felt. Jack interjected at odd times, her smile too wide, her tone too forceful. She asked direct, probing questions, bordering on inappropriate for such a delicate discussion. Eventually, the Dwarves politely excused themselves and left the Tieflings alone.

Jack waved a dismissive hand. “I was merely beckoning the inevitable. They weren’t going to seal the deal, so they weren’t worth wasting your time over. Don’t give them another thought.”

Lux frowned, perplexed. How did Jack know? “They seemed pretty serious, and a patron would be a big step up for me. Playing at taverns and street corners only gets me so far.” She paused. “Why do you think they weren’t going to follow through? Was the performance not good?” Despite what both Jack and the Dwarves had said, doubt began to creep into her mind. Usually her music was the one thing she could depend on.

“Oh kitten, just the opposite! You know I think your music is wonderful.” Jack rose and crossed to the chair, situating herself at Lux’s back as she had under the trees that evening, and gave her shoulders a comforting squeeze. “You could play for the King himself! I want you to have the best patrons possible, and those two simply weren’t a good fit.”

Lux chewed her lip as she considered that, her fingers semi-consciously working the strings of the oud. Jack was incredibly perceptive. “Perhaps you’re right.”

The smaller Tiefling smiled. “Of course I am. They weren’t to be trusted. They would have shown their true colours eventually, I’m certain of it. People always do.” Slowly, her hands worked their way over Lux’s shoulders, sliding inside the neckline of her kurta. “Except me. I won’t let anyone hurt my kitten.” She bent her head to murmur in Lux’s ear as her fingers moved beneath the fabric. “Now, let’s put work away for a spell, hm? It’s okay. You’re safe here.”

Lux felt a great many things in that moment. She did not realise that “safe” was not one of them.


	3. Somewhat Damaged

There was a chill in the air by the time Lux left the tavern, but she was not bothered. She was feeling far too good to let the temperature get her down.

The night had been damn near perfect, the tavern crackling with energy from the moment she stepped onto the stage. She sang, she danced, she played her violin with a wild joy she had not experienced in a long time. A drummer joined her partway through the night, followed in short order by a lute player, and the three of them improvised a reel that made every patron in the tavern whirl and clap. Someone had tipped her with an entire unopened bottle of wine, which she planned to present to Jack as a gift, since the other Tiefling had been unable to attend. She was even composing in her head as she walked, a once-constant habit that had recently fallen by the wayside. The pouches on her belt were heavy with coin. It had been a very good night indeed.

It was the first performance in months Jack hadn’t come to. It was the first performance in months where Lux had felt alive. It did not occur to her that these two facts were related.

When she opened the door to Jack’s room at the inn, she found her waiting on the bed, clad only in one of Lux’s long kurtas. Somehow Jack always seemed to wear them better than Lux herself; it was one of the things she loved about her. She stretched demurely and rose, crossing to Lux and pressing her back against the door. Her hands started at Lux’s hips and slowly made their way upward. “Well, well. There you are.”

Lux grinned, buoyant, flushed from the chilly walk and very interested in whatever Jack had in mind to continue the night. “Hey you.” Both hands full, she ducked her head to kiss the shorter woman. Jack obliged hard, sinking her teeth into Lux’s lip as she ran her fingers over her chest. A small, yearning sound escaped from the back of Lux’s throat.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” Jack murmured as she broke the kiss, her lips brushing enticingly against Lux’s, her thumbs moving in slow circles. “At this job you accepted even though you knew I couldn’t go?”

_Oh no._

Still distracted by Jack’s hands, it took Lux a moment to process the alarm bells ringing in her head. “What?”

Abruptly, Jack stepped backwards, leaving Lux off-balance against the door. “The Black Stag. That’s where you were, right? Without me?”

Lux blinked and shook her head to clear it, the warmth inside her dissipating. “I… Yes, the owner hired me to play. I earned a fair bit of money, and I got–” She started to lift the bottle of wine, but Jack cut her off.

“So it was a merry old show, hm? Did you like not having me around? Was it fun for you?” Her tone was steel.

“I missed you,” Lux offered weakly, pleading in vain for the mood to return. “You would have had a good time.”

Jack fixed her with a livid glare and she knew she had made a mistake. “So you had it for me, yeah? You certainly look like it.” She waved a sharp hand at Lux’s clothing. “Look at you. You look ridiculous, like a bird during mating season. Why do you need to dress like that when you perform? Who are you trying to court with all that makeup and glitter? The dock whores?”

Not often lacking for words, Lux always found herself small and tongue-tied in the face of Jack’s rages. Jack had loved the glitter once. “I haven’t worn it in forever. I thought it would be nice.”

Jack scoffed. “Nice. You were trawling for an easy catch. Did you take anyone to bed while you were there? Rent a room upstairs for a quick go-round?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Sure.” Jack’s voice was thick with sarcasm. “Not one person caught your eye. All those people, and none of them struck your fancy. I’ll bet you forgot I even existed.”

“I haven’t been with anyone else since we met! I haven’t even looked!” Lux was begging, and she knew it. She hated it, and she hated herself for doing it. “Jack, please, you know I would never–”

“But _they_ would,” Jack shot back. “Anyone could think you’re open for the taking, especially with all that shameless peacocking you do onstage. How are they supposed to know you’re mine, and _only_ mine?”

Lux looked down at her overdress, its neckline sparkling in the candlelight; she had no answer. “I got you something…” she tried instead, holding up the bottle of wine. Jack snatched it out of her hand and stalked to the window, muttering about wanting nothing to do with her ill-gotten gains. She pushed open the shutters and before Lux realised what was happening, she hurled the bottle into the street. Lux heard it shatter on the cobblestones, feeling something equally fragile shatter inside her. Jack turned to look her in the eye, hands balled into furious fists. For a few long, tense moments, neither woman moved.

Finally, Lux’s shoulders fell and she sagged against the door. She dropped her eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t have taken the job.”

“No,” Jack agreed pointedly, “you shouldn’t have.”

“I’ll make sure you can come out with me next time. And the times after that. I won’t leave you out of the plan again, I promise.”

Jack considered Lux’s words, then came to a decision just as abruptly as she had before. “Alright kitten,” she purred, settling herself on the bed. “I forgive you.” She spread her legs and fixed Lux with a coquettish smile. “Now, come do what you’re best at. I want another one of your excellent singing lessons.”

Dutifully, Lux began to undress. She did not feel relieved. She did not feel anything at all.


	4. Hurt

It was raining. Of course it was raining. As if the situation needed any more pathos.

Lux turned her head from the shuttered window to observe the figure sleeping beside her. She was so achingly beautiful when she slept. Her eyes held no vicious gleam, her tongue held no piercing words. When she slept, she reminded Lux of how it had been in the beginning.

If she didn’t go now, she never would. She couldn’t wait any longer.

With practiced ease, Lux rose from the bed without shifting the sleeping woman’s weight. She scanned the room as she dressed, making a mental list of each item’s location. Thankfully, she only needed to gather a few belongings; the rest still lived in her room above her mother’s shop. Sparkling kurtas and dresses she had stopped wearing, parchments full of music she had never finished composing. Her precious oud, barely played in months. All the pieces of who she used to be.

Quick. Silent. Like so many mornings in so many rooms with so many nameless partners. Just, disappear.

“Kitten?”

_Fuck._

Jack looked at her through half-lidded eyes. “What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Oh. Okay. Could you pick up some apples and cheese on your way back?” Jack yawned and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow.

Lux paused, stung. But she maintained her resolve. “I’m not coming back.”

Jack picked her head up again, blinking the sleep out of her eyes as she peered at Lux. “Rubbish.”

“I’m done, Jack.” Lux secured her belt around her waist, offering a quick, silent prayer to whoever might be listening for the strength to follow through with her words.

“What do you mean?” There it was, the inevitable tilt of Jack’s head, trying to read Lux’s intentions in her face.

“I mean, I’m done. I’m leaving.” Lux set her lips in a thin line as she moved about the room, gathering her spare clothes and shoving them into a ratty canvas bag. She had to stay the course. Jack was a predator and would move in for the kill at the first sign of weakness.

Jack scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Sure.” Lux glared at her. Jack met her gaze, and Lux watched the smirk on her face melt into confused disbelief. “You’re really thinking about it.”

Lux was loathe to be the one to drop her eyes, but she needed to find her smoke box. “Already thought about it. I’m done thinking.”

With snakelike deftness, Jack left the bed and approached Lux, stopping her movement about the room by sliding her arms around her waist. “Kitten, this is silly. Come back to bed. We can get some more sleep and talk about this later.” Her voice was gentle, her smile soft, her eyes inviting, but her arms were cold iron. Lux wriggled free without answering. Jack’s eyes narrowed. “Where are you going to go, kitten?” Her smile remained, but her tone sharpened.

“Don’t call me that,” Lux responded through gritted teeth. She realised in that moment she had always hated that pet name.

Jack’s smile disappeared. “Tell me, _Aviva_ , where exactly do you think you’re going to go?”

“Why do you care, Jack? Why do you want to know?” She could hear her voice rising, could feel herself being sucked into the argument. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. It wasn’t supposed to _go_ at all. Why couldn’t she have just stayed asleep?

“I’m just curious who you think you can turn to, in this world that hates and fears us.” Jack played at innocence, but there was venom beneath it. “To your dead mentor? Don’t think so. Dead father? Nope. Dead girlfriend? Try again. There isn’t anyone in this world to love you, but me. You have nowhere, no-one.”

Lux managed not to flinch. “I’m going back to my mother’s.”

“Your _mother_?” Jack barked a nasty laugh. “You think she’ll take you back in? Even your mother’s frightened of you!”

Lux’s blood froze. “That’s not fair.” Her voice was low, warning.

“You said it yourself! She looked at you with fear in her eyes when she saw what you could do. That’s how everyone looks at you, and she’s no different. You weren’t even sure your own _child_ would love you!”

Jack’s words hit her like a punch. “That’s not–” Her hands moved unconsciously to her belly. She felt faint. Her head swam. That wasn’t what she had said. But was it true?

“Who were you before me, hm? Nothing. An oversized bird playing for coppers on street corners, hoping someone would like what they heard enough to throw you a pity fuck. What were they going to do? Take a devil spawn home to meet their parents?” Jack’s voice became a hiss. “I gave you love. I gave you acceptance, safety! I was your dajyr! And you’re going to give all that up and go back to being a dancing rat??”

A rat. The avatar of Selen, who loves all those broken and forgotten. The Bestower of Grace. Jack’s unwitting reference provided a moment of crystal clarity. Lux looked her dead in the eye: “Better a rat than a parasite.” She reached for her oud.

That did it. With a scream of wordless rage, Jack dove for the oud before Lux could get to it, seizing it by the neck and smashing it against the dresser with all her strength. The body shattered as it separated from the neck, sending splinters of varnished wood flying in all directions. The strings popped from the bridge and fanned out, reaching in vain for the broken wooden shards. The sound was sickening.

Lux’s vision blurred. She growled a string of curses in their guttural ancestral tongue, feeling the magic building behind her words. She wanted Jack to suffer as she had suffered, wanted her to feel every moment of of pain and doubt and isolation and misery she had inflicted over the past few months. She wanted to hurt her. She wanted to _ruin_ her.

But she stopped before she let the spell fly. The feeling of power faded. It wasn’t worth it.

Jack, who had flinched away from Lux’s verbal assault, now leaned forward and fixed her with a maddening smirk. “There’s the power that caused your mother such fear,” she whispered. “Face it, kitten, I’m the only one you’ve got.”

Lux stared at her, expressionless, feeling a familiar stoic calm come over her. She bent and picked up a few pieces of wood, slipping them carefully into her bag. As she rose, she removed Jack’s spare key from her pouch and dropped it pointedly on the floor. Finally, she looked at her again.

“Fuck you, Jaxa. Go back to whatever Hell you came from.”

She made her way to the door. Jack screeched after her, hurling insults and pleas in equal measure, but she was impotent now. Her words were dust. Lux closed the door behind her and walked away.

The rain was close to freezing, soaking her almost instantly as it poured down. She wanted a smoke something fierce. There was little point in trying. Carts and rickshaws rolled by, occasionally slowing to hail her, but she ignored them. She needed to walk. There was something poetic in it.

By the time she reached the shop door, her teeth were chattering, but her mind was blank. Her hair and clothing clung to her body. The violin was safe in its case, but the papers in her canvas bag were likely ruined. It did not matter. She pushed open the door.

Esperance looked up from the counter, a customer-friendly smile forming on her face, but it vanished when she saw the shivering figure in the doorway. Lux could not quite remember the last time she’d seen her. She managed the faintest hint of a smile. “Hi mama.”

Slowly, Esperance stepped out from behind the counter and towards her daughter. She seemed greyer at the temples than when Lux had seen her last, her black hair held back in a long, loose braid. Her gold eyes looked at Lux as if she were a ghost. When she reached her, she held out her arms, heedless of the frigid moisture. “Hello, my love.”

Aviva let herself be folded into the safety of her mother’s embrace. She began to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Title songs by Nine Inch Nails.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at @expressandadmirable for a proper table of contents for the Heroes campaign, commissioned character art, text-based roleplay snippets and more!


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